day 5: memory

The dam broke again yesterday, on what was supposed to be day 5 of this Capture Your Grief photo project.  The tears flowed so that I had to walk away and pick it back up today.

Sometimes when I start thinking about all of the blessings of Ava's life, I experience a sort of high. I feel so close to her and everything else in life seems that much sweeter.

But, then the loss and pain hit me straight in the gut again. Sometimes it literally feels like someone is sitting on my chest, and I cannot catch a breath. The reality sets again for the one-thousandth time that I will never hold her again in this lifetime. I feel completely robbed of all the experiences I am supposed to share with this one-of-a-kind person.

I have always seen myself as an optimist, flexible enough to bounce into "Plan B" mode with a smile in most of life's situations. This "Plan B" will always feel inferior. It is not something I can change if I try harder.  All of the beautiful ripples from Ava's life, as wonderful as they may be, are not a fair trade for her not being here.

This is how I flip-flop through life now. Joy and sadness. Sadness and joy. It does not really matter which one I am experiencing at any given moment, the other always seems to be just around the corner. I hurt. I cry. I breathe. I smile. I laugh. I repeat it again and again. I will never stop missing her. I will never stop celebrating her. I will never stop crying. I will never stop smiling. Joy and sadness. Sadness and joy.

The prompt for Day 5 is "memory." This photo depicts the most vivid memory I have of Ava. It, too, shows that marriage of simultaneous sadness and joy. 

In this memory I feel pain: the tears flowing through my swollen eyes, the exhaustion from the preceding 15 hours of physically and emotionally draining labour after we found out that our baby had died, and the painfully puffy hand where the IV slipped out again on the fifth attempt at a vein dumping fluid under my skin once a Cesarean was deemed necessary. 

In this memory I also feel precious, amazing love and joy: seeing my Ava's breathtakingly beautiful face for the first time, her little curved fingers wrapped around mine (with crooked pinkies just like her big brother's), the feel of her sweet skin on my lips and the indescribable smell of her that I fear is slipping away from my memory.

Sadness and joy. Joy and sadness.

I am so very thankful that there is also hope and faith. I believe that these allow me to have the strength and courage to live each day, knowing that in this life there most certainly will be troubles and sorrow, but genuine joy is never far away.


*   intro   *   day 1   *   day 2   *   day 3   *   day 3.1   *   day 4   *   day 6   * *   day 7   *   day 8   *   day 9   *   day 10   * day 15