the mother of two

My beautiful Ava Faith, born into heaven, June 4, 2011.

I have started this blog entry at least a dozen times. How do I begin to share a day in my life as it is now?

I am a proud mother of two.

I'm unsure adequate words even exist to describe the cohabitation of sorrow and joy in my heart and home since I became the mother of two on June 4, 2011.

Yes, I have two children. My son lives with me. My daughter lives in heaven and in my heart.


For no known medical reason, my baby daughter Ava Faith died at 40 weeks gestation, while I was sleeping and just hours before I went into labour. The minutes, hours, days, weeks, months since my doctor told me her heart was no longer beating have both crept and flown.

I begged to step off the still-turning planet so I could regroup and recuperate. I was shocked at the audacity of life . . . how dare it continue! The world remained at its frenzied pace. Meanwhile, I hunkered down with my shattered little family unit and slowly began sorting through the pieces.

The loss of Ava stabs me to my core. There is a big, gaping hole in the wall of every compartment of my life. Yet, hope is a light that shines through the holes, illuminating all the blessings that remain. I am so very thankful for my son, my husband, my family, my friends and a loving God. I am thankful for my daughter. I am glad I was able to carry her to full term so that I could see her beautiful face and hold her chubby 9-pound, 3-ounce body. While I hate that she is not with me right now, I refuse to think of my daughter as simply something bad that happened to me. No, this child will be celebrated as long as I live!

I am beginning to realize that I have a relationship with both of my children. While I can connect with my son through hugs, tickles and conversations, my relationship with Ava is a spiritual one. I connect with her through God via prayer, hope and faith. I also incorporate her in our lives in a variety of ways like lighting candles, sending up balloons and bubbles and talking openly about her with my family and friends.

Just as if I would have brought her home from the hospital as planned {Oh, how I wish I would have!}, my daughter and I are inseperable. While she shares my attention with her brother, who turns three this month, she is always on my mind. I love her. She is mine. I am hers. Always. Just in a very different way than I had hoped and prayed.

I have been re-entering society bit by bit, realizing I can't stay "hunkered" forever. I have felt inspired, yet admittedly nervous, to write publicly again on this site. The blog portion of saskmom.com was created to share personal family experiences as we enjoy this city and each other. One of the things I've been thinking about is how I continue to share in a real way with the thousands of parents who visit this site without this becoming a mourning blog?

I have a beautiful son, and we love spending time together. Time with him has been good medicine for my broken heart. I will resume writing on this blog primarily as Little J's mom.

I am journaling more about my journey with Ava on a separate blog. For now, I choose to keep that writing private and unedited for my own healing. In time, I may share more publicly on that site for those who are interested.

Even though I might not always write directly about my relationship with my daughter in this blog, Ava will undoubtedly be present in every thought I share. She'll be the breath at the close of each sentence. You'll recognize her between the lines: undertones of gratitude, embers of raw emotion, flickers of wonder and, hopefully, the notable absence of complacency.

As we approach Ava's five-month milestone this week, I feel as though I am slowly awakening. As I rise, I want to grab each morning by the shoulders, embrace it all day long and kiss it goodnight.

May we seize this season we have with our children. Each day with our families is truly a gift to be cherished!